I am so damn tired of it all that I can’t even bother to think of a title for this piece. Maybe you can read the rest of my rants and come up with a suitable title yourself. I really couldn’t care less what you choose. But I’m really over it…
I’m over being in a position where I don’t know where I stand. Yup, it’s about a guy. Men are so simple yet so complicated at the same time. There is a guy that has stepped unto the scene of my current life and I don’t know if I have misread signals or misinterpreted them but I think there has been some interest shown. But I don’t know now if he is just waiting for me to step up game or if this means nothing at all. I like him, and I would like to see him more often or spend some time with him to get to know him a bit more. I always see him when we’re out with other friends, so there’s always crowds around us and it’s never really quality time. But everytime we do see each other, he has made some effort to come up to talk to me, or sit next to me at the dinner table.
I guess I am sick and tired of the speculations – of never being sure. I was formerly in a 3 year relationship where I also questioned time and time again where I stood, and I’m sick of it. I’m sick of “going around the topic trying to fish out information” of whether or not a guy likes me, loves me, wants to commit to me etc. I’ve been playing the game so long now I want to retire. I want a guy to just plainly tell me what he wants and then we go from there. No games, no hints, no trying to analyzing text messages. I did it with my ex for 3 years, flew across the world, planned an engagement party for myself and now I’m single with a guy who I have no idea likes me or not and I just want to know outright. Like right now.
So last night I went out karaoke with him and a whole bunch of others. It may be the singing, may be the hype, the excitement… I don’t know what got over me. Maybe it’s just the exhaustion from playing cat and mouse… I couldn’t for the life of me have a private conversation with him as we were all stuck in the karaoke room together… but on the drive back, we were both in the back seat, I texted him this question.
“Hey… so you wanna hang out sometime?”
I wrote it because I didn’t want to play the game anymore. I just wanted to know. If there was nothing, then there’s nothing. I’m fine with that. I’m just too worn out to play anymore.
His first reply was: “When.”
Caught by surprise, I shrugged. He must have found it odd that I chose to text him the question when he was sitting right next to me in the back seat of the car. But I can’t do confronting type face to face conversations (despite being a teacher and I do it everyday with kids). I guess I just can’t handle the rejection…
He looked away and left it. Then typed back “Sure.”
Then I asked him, “When?” Which was a bit dumb. Because he just asked me when. At this question, he shook his head and laughed. Maybe he thinks I’m an idiot. I don’t know.
Then I texted: “You have my number anyway…” In which he didn’t respond. At this point (bad timing) we arrived at his place. So he got out of the car, thanked the driver and didn’t look my way once.
So now I’m sitting here wondering: Did I just blow it? I’m. Such. An. Idiot.